TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally from place. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Sure, positive, let us have Yet another put wherever American Adult males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: supply Anyone a collection around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he should quit making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not just unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "where's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down company."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a Trump Tower Damascus "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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